A set of prayers native to the Holy Order of Saint McGruder, AKA the Umerim Order that Pip's a member of (there's quite a few in the Umerim faith, considering how many saints they have floating around, but the Knights Ricardus, Mysterians, and Ladies of the Feather are the only ones who've been named yet, and I have no idea what the LoF even do
). For the uninitiated, or those who simply can't keep up with the mountains of worldbuilding sothacid
and I churn out each week, the Gruderians are teachers, protectors, and undead hunters who are famous for developing their own martial art. The Gruderians are also responsible for running the Inquisition, which exists to try and determine the difference between a valid splinter group and a bunch of dangerous cultist crazies, and is also responsible for punching people in the berries if they try to use Umerim doctrine for decidedly uncool purposes. They do, indeed, kick ass for the Lord.
Umerimaiy itself is sort of like Deist Christianity and sort of like Santeria and sort of a lot of things; it's a monotheistic faith with a possession-by-otherworldly-divine-beings bent that's generally pretty easygoing and interested in making the world a better place, but still has tons of weird religious paraphernalia. UMER is viewed as a loving parent who pushed the Big Bang button and has been watching all the different sentient species work their way up from unicellular creatures, though is often too busy trying to fix bugs in the universe to be able to directly intervene. Ever wondered how to transpose the concept of "created in God's image" when your fictional world has dozens of sentient species? I have, and that's why I can remember the history of multiple imaginary religious figures (you in the back, I heard
that) and not where I left my car keys.
So without further ado, here's some stuff I wrote, in all its unedited glory.
Invocation of Righteous Wrath
Lord who is God, whom we call UMER with our worldly throats, I say to You that I must do the Work with great rage this day. Do not protect me from my anger, O God, but aid me in enduring it; I must master fury so that I have the strength to destroy and correct, but I must strive to never drown in my wrath. Let me burn when I must burn and remain cold when I must remain cold. I need no protection from my anger, but grant me the wisdom to know when I am forgetting the nature of joy, for my efforts are naught but impotent flailing if I cannot delight in the world which You have given Your children.
Invocation of Studious Mind
Lord who is God, whom we call UMER with our worldly throats, I say to You that I must do the Work with clear thoughts this day. Do not protect me from my doubt, O God, but aid me in understanding it; I must be cautious and skeptical to excise mistruths from the world, but I must strive to never become entirely blinded by disbelief. Let me study when I must study and be still when I must be still. I need no protection from my doubt, but grant me the wisdom to know when I am forgetting the nature of joy, for my efforts are naught but impotent flailing if I cannot delight in the world which You have given Your children.
Greater Prayer of Saint McGruder
UMER, my Lord God, creator of the heavens and the earth and all that lies above and below and within and without them, I beseech You hear my requests for guidance: guide my hand that I may pull away obstructions, guide my tongue that it may speak only truths, guide my thoughts that I may know and remember, and guide my heart that I remember to delight in the Work. As You are the teacher of the stars and the stones, allow me to teach Your children more of the world which we were granted in the moment of Creation. Let me bring to the world wonder at Your works in their infinite mystery, and wonder at the works of Your children in their fathomless complexity, and wonder at the ways that both are so very like one another. Let me clean the earth of those who should rest but do not, for they are either trapped and in need of succor or seeking to cause harm to Your children; give me the strength to lay them to rest once more. Mine is a heavy burden of knowledge and vigilance, O God, and my back bends nearly double, but I know none labor as tirelessly as You. Grant me the will to be like You in thought and deed. Grant me the love to continue the Work. Show me my flaws that I might correct them, for though no one soul is perfect, it is right to strive to be as God.
Lesser Prayer of Saint McGruder
O God, keep me from killing these idiots before I’m done teaching them.** No, really, the Lesser Prayer is actually in their prayerbooks. Saint Chester McGruder was kind of irritable at times, even after being martyred.
Finally, a lovely quote from drinky_lemur
on how skepticism can encourage folks to be better people: "The value of anything measured against an infinity of nothing is priceless."